Post by trip on Oct 11, 2006 17:40:55 GMT
HowTo:Murder Your Wife On A Budget
Step 1: Obtaining a wife to murder
For most, this step would have been already completed a few years ago. If this is not the case, you may choose to go through the longer path by actually dating a girl, then marrying her. This method can become expensive if you spend a large amount of money on the wedding, and involves a large time investment.
For those in a hurry, wives can be purchased from your local supermarket. They come in frozen, dried and canned varieties. If you have a few dollars to spare, the frozen ones are the most fresh. When purchasing, look for the ones that are the least decomposed, so that it appears more authentic.
Step 2: Plan the method
Tip
Honesty perhaps not the best policy at the planning stage.
Anybody can murder their wife. But it takes time and effort to murder a wife on a budget. There have been too many stories of men drowning themselves in debt trying to murder their wives in lavish ways. It is imperative to stick to a budget, and one does this by carefully planning out the method. Remember, all good wife murders involve some degree of planning.
Work out how much you can spend
Don’t make this a financial burden on yourself. Keep in mind that your budget won’t include just the chemicals or equipment, but also disposal costs, funeral costs and spending time with and/or speaking to the in-laws. You can save money by disposing the body yourself. Funeral costs can be reduced by using plastic flowers, holding the service in your backyard and not inviting anybody to the funeral, not even the priest. An alternative method is to make sure the body of your wife is not found, so that a funeral can’t be held. Make sure you hide the body in a good place.
How will you actually conduct the murder?
This will be the largest component of your budget. Will it be slow and painful, or fast and not-so-painful?
A slow and painful murder will require more effort, and potentially the cost of the procedure could become larger than expected. However, for those that have been married for a period of 5 years or longer, this method is recommended.
A fast and not-so-painful death will allow you more time to find a new partner. It will be more expensive per minute than other methods.
Your own personal tastes (pun intended) will also come into your decision making. For example, you may not like the sight of blood. In this case, you can hire somebody else to do the job for you.
Step 3: Actually murdering your wife
Safety first!While this step may appear obvious to some, statistics show that this is the most overlooked step. Remember to keep within your budget, and to stick to your original plan. Unless, of course, you don’t want to actually murder your wife anymore.
Be prepared
Before you actually get to the murdering, ensure you have your weapons prepared, and have the appropriate safety equipment on. You may dislike your wife, but that is no reason to not be wearing safety glasses or correct headwear. Make sure that you obtain the correct licenses or permits, and that you have obtained all your materials in a legal way. There is nothing worse than behaving in an immoral or illegal fashion while murdering your wife.
Timing
Choosing the right time and place is extremely important. You may wish to avoid murdering your wife in the middle of a busy street, or in the background of the news report.
Step 4: Destroying the evidence
Tip
Do not ask for good places to dispose of the body on Livejournal.
Your wife
If you want to save on funeral costs, you will need to dispose of the body of your recently deceased wife. Dumping the body in your household rubbish bin is not advised. If you find this part difficult, remind yourself that you will be saving yourself more money than if you hired a professional.
Equipment
Any equipment used in the murder should be destroyed, for example knives that still have your wife’s spleen on them. Should police raid your house, it might be an idea to not leave them on your coffee table.
Other persons
If you paid someone else to murder the wife for you, they count as evidence. As the hitman is now evidence, he will also have to be disposed of. At this point, you can hire a second hitman to kill the first hitman, and so on, until you ironically die.
You
Unfortunately, as you have read this guide to this point, you actually count as evidence and also need to be disposed of. You can alternatively destroy your computer, but this adds to cost substantially
Step 1: Obtaining a wife to murder
For most, this step would have been already completed a few years ago. If this is not the case, you may choose to go through the longer path by actually dating a girl, then marrying her. This method can become expensive if you spend a large amount of money on the wedding, and involves a large time investment.
For those in a hurry, wives can be purchased from your local supermarket. They come in frozen, dried and canned varieties. If you have a few dollars to spare, the frozen ones are the most fresh. When purchasing, look for the ones that are the least decomposed, so that it appears more authentic.
Step 2: Plan the method
Tip
Honesty perhaps not the best policy at the planning stage.
Anybody can murder their wife. But it takes time and effort to murder a wife on a budget. There have been too many stories of men drowning themselves in debt trying to murder their wives in lavish ways. It is imperative to stick to a budget, and one does this by carefully planning out the method. Remember, all good wife murders involve some degree of planning.
Work out how much you can spend
Don’t make this a financial burden on yourself. Keep in mind that your budget won’t include just the chemicals or equipment, but also disposal costs, funeral costs and spending time with and/or speaking to the in-laws. You can save money by disposing the body yourself. Funeral costs can be reduced by using plastic flowers, holding the service in your backyard and not inviting anybody to the funeral, not even the priest. An alternative method is to make sure the body of your wife is not found, so that a funeral can’t be held. Make sure you hide the body in a good place.
How will you actually conduct the murder?
This will be the largest component of your budget. Will it be slow and painful, or fast and not-so-painful?
A slow and painful murder will require more effort, and potentially the cost of the procedure could become larger than expected. However, for those that have been married for a period of 5 years or longer, this method is recommended.
A fast and not-so-painful death will allow you more time to find a new partner. It will be more expensive per minute than other methods.
Your own personal tastes (pun intended) will also come into your decision making. For example, you may not like the sight of blood. In this case, you can hire somebody else to do the job for you.
Step 3: Actually murdering your wife
Safety first!While this step may appear obvious to some, statistics show that this is the most overlooked step. Remember to keep within your budget, and to stick to your original plan. Unless, of course, you don’t want to actually murder your wife anymore.
Be prepared
Before you actually get to the murdering, ensure you have your weapons prepared, and have the appropriate safety equipment on. You may dislike your wife, but that is no reason to not be wearing safety glasses or correct headwear. Make sure that you obtain the correct licenses or permits, and that you have obtained all your materials in a legal way. There is nothing worse than behaving in an immoral or illegal fashion while murdering your wife.
Timing
Choosing the right time and place is extremely important. You may wish to avoid murdering your wife in the middle of a busy street, or in the background of the news report.
Step 4: Destroying the evidence
Tip
Do not ask for good places to dispose of the body on Livejournal.
Your wife
If you want to save on funeral costs, you will need to dispose of the body of your recently deceased wife. Dumping the body in your household rubbish bin is not advised. If you find this part difficult, remind yourself that you will be saving yourself more money than if you hired a professional.
Equipment
Any equipment used in the murder should be destroyed, for example knives that still have your wife’s spleen on them. Should police raid your house, it might be an idea to not leave them on your coffee table.
Other persons
If you paid someone else to murder the wife for you, they count as evidence. As the hitman is now evidence, he will also have to be disposed of. At this point, you can hire a second hitman to kill the first hitman, and so on, until you ironically die.
You
Unfortunately, as you have read this guide to this point, you actually count as evidence and also need to be disposed of. You can alternatively destroy your computer, but this adds to cost substantially
